Finding Balance

The first 3 weeks of Hannah's 4th grade year have gone really well.  I have also really had a lot of fun with Hannah over this time.  Over the last 13 months, I have made sure to tell my friends and family, post on social media and document my grief through writing to Audrey and to this blog.  But, I have sought to balance that with the great things that Hannah is doing.  Hannah is in her final year of elementary school.  She is thriving at school.  She has done well in her second soccer season and she is developing as a defender and a goalie.  Hannah has been a lot of fun lately.  This weekend we did Legos together.  She told me that I was the "best Lego finder ever"(a title disputed by Amanda).  We read a few chapters from Jack London's "Call of the Wild" together. She commented that "Call of the Wild" was the oldest book she had ever seen.  I rebuked that it was published in 2000 and that there are many books older than that in our house.  She argued back that the book was written in 1903.  I had to explain to her that while it was written in 1903, it was printed in 2000.  To her credit, it is a beaten up book.

The book sparked Amanda to create an oldest book contest.  We started a 10 minute Alexa timer, and ran around the house to find the oldest printed book in the house.  Hannah won with an elementary school math book by Frank Hall that was printed in 1898.  Grandpa Doug gave the book to Hannah, and Hannah jokes that it was Grandpa's math book from elementary school.

It was a fun afternoon.  It was one way that I wanted to spotlight how awesome Hannah is and find balance between being present with Hannah and grieving Audrey.  But Hannah makes that easier.  Earlier today, Hannah and I met some friends of hers to go swimming at the Y.  It reminded me of all the fun times Hannah had swimming with Audrey at the Y.  

When we got to the pool, there was a safety break about 5 minutes after we got in.  So we went to the playground behind the pool to burn 20 minutes.  As Hannah and her 3 friends were playing, one of her friends was balancing on the plastic trim that separated the grass and the mulch that laid beneath the playground.  I was at awe on how balanced Hannah (and Audrey's) good friend was on those plastic beams.  As I looked at my watch, we had the kids go back to the pool, as I crossed the playground threshold, and as I stepped on it, it sunk into the ground.  I thought about my lack of balance compared to others.  We went into the pool and had another hour of swimming.

While I have been trying for balance, I was a little mad at myself. We have made a tradition of taking a Disney Princess sticker to the locker room, and sticking it in the locker we put our bags in.  Today we put our bags in locker 2 (Audrey's favorite number).  We started this tradition because Audrey loved standing in the locker while we were packing up.  She obviously also loves Disney Princess stickers.

But I forgot today.  And it was frustrating that I did.  On our way out, I was disappointed in myself.  But remember that part when I mentioned how awesome Hannah is.  As we walked to the car, Hannah asked me- "Dad, can you print out the chocolate donut picture and can we tape it to the ceiling?"

Backstory- about 3 years ago, Audrey was enjoying a chocolate By The Dozen long john donut in the car.  I think I gave her a paper towel, but it wasn't enough.  On that day, Audrey decided that the ceiling of my CRV was the appropriate place to wipe her excess chocolate on.  The picture below does not do the chocolate massacre justice as over the years I have tried many different products from AutoZone to cover up the chocolate stains.  Nothing ever worked.  I do want to point out that over the years, Audrey became proficient at properly wiping her hands.  It was cute, she always had the routine of wiping off her hands and clearing her plate after dinner.  Hannah still hasn't quite mastered those 2 routines.

But Hannah was pointing out that my new car (as of last month) did not have the same nostalgia as the chocolate ceiling covering of my old car.  So, as I am finishing this post, I am printing out a picture of the chocolate ceiling to pin on the new car and make it more balanced.

The second picture is the back of my old car that had a memorial to Audrey that was a present from my parents.

And as I consider myself lucky to have 2 amazing daughters, one who we remember daily, and one who balances her grief and her present, I know I still have a lot to do.

But this picture below is what I chose to post to my social media profile today as I balance my 2 awesome daughters.