The last first? Sometimes the second is harder than the first.

I started writing this post on Monday July 15th after experiencing many firsts and seconds on as we approach the anniversary of Audrey leaving for heaven.   This post took me over three weeks to write.  I had to think about why it took so long and the truth is, I am not on the same calendar that I used to be.

I knew the fourth of July was going to be hard.  Audrey loved the fourth.  On social media, Mandy posted pictures of Audrey enjoying all of her summer favorites.  From June 26th to July 4th, Mandy posted a different picture of Audrey's summer favorites.  Starting on July 1st, she posted a daily picture of Audrey loving the fourth of July. Those pictures meant a lot and meant a lot to see Audrey's loved ones interact and share summer memories.  When Mandy took Hannah to the bathroom, I looked to my phone to look at pictures of Audrey.  I was surprised when I found this picture.

This picture made me smile for many reasons

1. It encapsulated Audrey's joy of life

2. It was at one of her favorite places, the Superhero Center.

3. Somehow, I had missed this picture previously, and this is the first time I saw this.

Then, when the fireworks started, I thought that this would be the last first, as the one year anniversary of Audrey going to heaven is next month.  And that made me feel sad.  

But like many things I have thought, I was wrong.  One instance that I was wrong was last night.  Last night was a first.  It was the first time that we went to the basement for severe weather since last March 30th when Belvidere was struck with a deadly tornado.  I remember blowing up the air mattress and cuddling with Audrey on it in the basement while waiting for the all clear.

I again felt rough over the weekend, as I was staying with Hannah at my parents' house.  The second time

Sometimes, the second is harder than the first

In his opening monologue for SNL, Chance the Rapper raps about being from Chicago.  Since Chicago is the Second City, he raps a clever monologue called "Sometimes the second best is better than the first" in which he compares 2nd best items like Bing to google or Luigi to Mario.  I use this clip annually in my geography unit because Kyle Mooney oddly compares an isthmus as being second best to an island (vocabulary for my Contemporary World Studies class) and goes on to define an isthmus.  But that's how I feel about the comparisons between the first and seconds I am encountering: odd.

In support groups, we have been told that the second year is harder than the first.  I can only assume that this whole year that we were in shock.  A shock less potent than the shock surrounding the first few weeks of Audrey being gone, but while I don't realize it, it is there, and it sounds like it will wear off more for the second year.

Yesterday, I went to Cantigny Gardens in Winfield, IL, when Hannah and I went, it hit me.  This was the second time that I visited Cantigny since Audrey.  Two is plural.  It means to me that there has been more time that we have been without Audrey.  Also, we went to the museum, and Hannah was totally into history.  She soaked up info about World War 2.  The history teacher in me loved that.  The realist knowing that it would not have been possible for Hannah to go to a museum and read and watch videos with Audrey there made me feel guilty.  

When Hannah was climbing the tanks at Cantigny, I knew there was no more first pictures of Audrey on a tank that I hadn't seen before.  So Hannah decided to recreate a pose of Audrey (in all her glory by the way)

The last 3 weeks since I started writing this, I have had many firsts and seconds that stuck out in mind often.

We went camping for the first time.  Hannah had a great time, but it wasn't the same.

We took Hannah to Maggie Daley Park to see my college roommate.  Audrey and Hannah loved Maggie Daley Park two years ago.  Hannah had lots of fun with my friend's kids,  but like camping, that too will never be the same.  Last time after Maggie Daley, Audrey tried to jump into to Buckingham fountain.  Luckily Mandy caught her right after she went through that fence.

Every first and second was hard, but it was a nice time that also made me remember those memories that made Audrey Audrey.  I mean really, who else can boast that if not for your mom, you would be swimming in the into to "Married With Children."

We even had some second times as well.  Last Thursday, we were interviewed on camera for the second time.  We love anytime we are able to share Audrey with the world.

Truth be told, I will have less firsts and seconds over the years, but I know that there will be some things down the road that will be firsts and seconds, and I won't know them until they pop up.

For example, I went to give Bruno his Heartgard medicine, and I (like the klutz I am) spilled the medicine crate.  In that medicine crate that fell down was some of Audrey's Vygabatrin.  That brought up the question, "Why did we keep Audrey's medicine?"  We disposed of her other medicine.  When I asked the question, Mandy answered jokingly "because it's worth thousands."  The real answer is because we want to remember her. Obviously her medicine that her life depended on wasn't exactly the best memory, but it was part of her.  It felt oddly comforting to think about Audrey and her medicine.

While the frequency of firsts is bound to slow down, my calendar has changed.  For 40 years, by default, I used the Gregorian calendar (like most of the world).  But early last August, my calendar changed.  While it has not yet been a year that my calendar has changed, It seems that my new calendar will likely more significant to me than the Gregorian calendar for the rest of my life.  There are 168 countries that use the Gregorian calendar.  There are 18 countries in the world that use the Gregorian calendar and only four that don't acknowledge the Gregorian calendar at all.  The Gregorian calendar is not the standard calendar because the Pope said so 442 years ago.  It is the standard across the world because it is the most accurate way to keep time.

Right now, the most accurate way for me to see time is Before Audrey (BA) and After Audrey (AA).  

Whether the second is harder than the first or the 100th is, one thing is true, I will never be on the same calendar again.  Nothing will ever bee the same again.