Memories- Can't hold us back

After 8 months of not having Audrey with us, some of the every day interactions we had with Audrey have become less present in our memories.  While there is not an hour that we do not think about and feel her absence, it is becoming clear to us that she has not been here for 8 months, and we don't want to forget anything about her.

For this reason, Amanda started the process of writing down all of her memories about Audrey.  This is a serious and emotional undertaking for her.  I appreciate what she is doing, and I can help her by filling in some holes with my perspective. I appreciate what she is doing. Her endeavor has inspired me to look at some memories of Audrey.  

In addition to articulating memories of Audrey, during this period of grief, I have felt much guilt.  One of the senses of guilt has been that in 8 months since Audrey has passed, we have been able to do many things that weren't a logistical possibility with Audrey.  

This past Sunday, we went took the bikes out and met a good friend for a bike ride.  On our way out to the parking lot with the car loaded down with our bikes, we had a choice to make.  We could go East towards Harvard, or North/West on the Stone Bridge Trail.  We more often chose to go East from Caledonia as it is flatter and an easy ride.  But on July 23, 2023, we decided to go North/West towards Roscoe on the Stone Bridge Trail.

So, we decided that we would go North to remember that trip.

July 23, 2023

Audrey was 2 days post strabismus surgery.  We were less than 1 week away from our leg of RAGBRAI bike ride, so we decided to take a long practice ride.  When we parked in the trail parking lot, we decided to go North instead of our usual East because it was more shaded and Audrey didn't love keeping her sunglasses on.

                                                

                                              Audrey Post Strabismus Surgery 7/21/23

We starting riding North, and it was really hot.  The old yellow bike trailer was quite beat up.  It had a plastic windshield, but it was too hot to put it down. As we were riding, pieces of dirt were being flung off the tires into Audrey's eyes.

                                               

                                                              Old Yellow Bike Trailer

The Long Prairie Trail became the Stone Bridge Trail.  Audrey, who was was more sedated on the first part of the bike ride, started getting more antsy.  She would try and stand up.  She threw her tablet (Dee Dee) out of the trailer a few times.

We kept going on and eventually made it to Roscoe.  We looked for a place to get ice cream at the intersection of the Stone Bridge Trail and Elevator Rd.  We struck out at the gas station, so we had to ride along Elevator Rd until we made it to Dairy Queen.  We carefully drove on the side of the road making sure Audrey stayed in the trailer.

        

                                                   We made it to Dairy Queen!!!

Mandy took Audrey to the bathroom.  I ordered Hannah a small chocolate ice cream with Reese's cups on top.  I got Audrey a small Oreo blizzard and I got Mandy a large Reese's cups blizzard.

As you can see from the picture above, Audrey stole Mandy's large blizzard (She also ate all of it)

Dairy Queen was a lot of fun.  It was Audrey's first time eating out since her surgery, and we just really enjoyed our time together.

On the way back from Dairy Queen we were riding back and we started to hear a weird sound.  I stopped and we discovered that Audrey standing in the yellow stroller over the years had blown out the bottom of the trailer.  Some how Mandy MacGyvered the floor with zip ties that she had in her handy bike repair kit.  

We made it to about 3 miles away from our car, and the whole bottom fell out of the trailer.  Audrey looked like Fred Flintstone (I wish we had more pictures of the poor beat up trailer). 

                                   

I held Audrey's hand and wheeled back the trailer and my bike eventually a few hundred yards to the nearest intersection.  Hannah, Audrey and I waited while Mandy raced back and got the car.  Hannah found a stick and Audrey spread out and watched some Dee Dee.

Mandy made it back to us pretty quickly and we loaded up the busted trailer and our bikes.  We ended up buying a new way to include Audrey with us on our bike rides just 5 days later (see red bike trailer below).  We only ended up using the new red trailer for one short loop by Midway Village, which meant July 23 was our last long bike ride together.  We only took one lap because Audrey wasn't used to the new bike trailer as it seemed awfully wobbly.

                                    

                                                         Bike carrier (Used 1 time)

We have talked about the guilt of doing things that were hard before.  Like going for a bike ride, or going to New York, or travelling in Europe.   We did rides with Audrey, but they were challenging.  We did a trip to New York without Audrey.  And we are planning on going to Croatia in June.  It feels terrible, because that is something that we could never do with Audrey.   The guilt of thinking that we are doing things that we couldn't do with out Audrey is real.

So on Sunday, when we went bike riding with our friend, I definitely wanted to relive our last long ride.  Its ironic that it went similar.  No dirt going into eyes and no Dairy Queen, but we ended up cutting the trip short, and this time Mandy and I went to pick up the cars about 2 miles away from the end.  

I had to do check the Strava and do the math.  Hannah finished a little over 12 miles in July and 8 miles in April.   

Audrey wasn't holding us back.  She was pushing us to be the family that we are.

Hannah and I both unintentionally wore our matching Epilepsy 5k shirts

Dree in her element eating CREAM and watching DEEDEE

What are your favorite memories of Dree?  We would love it if you shared with us.