Amanda's Second- Valentine's Day and Updates

 

 


I continue to struggle with what, when, and how to share.

Recently, I’ve chosen not to, or rather, simply taken no action, which has meant not sharing as much about our life or grief, but also has led me to feel somewhat isolated, which doesn’t seem great either.

But some parts of grief don’t make for cute blog posts. Some of it is ugly and dark and very messy and hard to hear. Some people aren’t able to hear it or sit in it with you.

And, in some ways, our life right now is very insular- we’ve been sick in the past couple weeks which kept us home, and Jeff, Hannah, and I have developed our little routines at home that seem to help us in the day to day (playing board games together, praying together, etc.), though it also does at times feel disconnected from others.

I even sometimes find it a bit hard to leave Jeff and Hannah and our home- our home where the memories of Audrey and her presence are strongest. I find it most comforting to be here and with those who know her best.

I also think I’ve solidly entered the “depression” stage of grief, as defined by Dr. Kubler-Ross in her helpful/not helpful categorizations.

But, as I was journaling this morning, I felt like there have been things I’ve left out of our story or not shared. Things that maybe in a previous time I would have posted to facebook or shared with friends and family by way of an update/ connection- so here is a bit of what we’ve been up to in what is our insular life right now.

1.   I’m not sure we ever properly introduced the new addition to our family, Bruno. Hannah has always wanted a pet and, although I’m not especially an animal lover, giving her a puppy for Christmas brought her great joy, helps her cope, and relieves some of the ‘too quiet’ of our house these last six months. So, here is Bruno- as in “We Don’t Talk About….” from Encanto, of course, in honor of Audrey, who would’ve called him “NoNo”- an apt name.


I’m not exactly in love yet, with this extra-to-clean-up-after responsibility that falls mostly to me as the one home during the day, but he is pretty cute, and I think I may get there some day.

2.      It continues to be so important to us to spend time with the people who know and love Audrey and in the places where she had so much joy and her life was full. We stopped by Harlem a couple weeks ago to see our favorite coach, and also ran in to some other friends as well. Harlem JV girls did great and we also got to see the Buddy Dance team (which I didn’t get a picture of, sadly, but they were awesome and it was so fun to watch friends, students, and their kiddos have a blast and demonstrate their dance skills. Seeing the kids dancing reminded me of Audrey in a way that is sad that she will not have that high school experience, but also made me joyful to be a part of this community that embraces special needs kids and families.


3.      We went to the Lunar New Year celebration at Nicholas Conservatory last week. Hannah had a great time and got to hang out with one her good friends from school. As with many things, some of it was sad and some was fun. Hannah’s New Year wish was to have Audrey back, and we had to answer the ‘Do you have any other children?’ question, but overall we had fun at the event.


4.      We also had a nice spread for the Superbowl yesterday and got to have some fun cousin and friend time too.


5.      I’m sure grieving families approach holiday traditions differently, but I think we’re finding what works for us. For us, we continue to include Audrey in the holidays and events. We continue to feel connected to Audrey’s presence and spirit, even if she’s not physically here, so acknowledging her (in this case buying two sets of roses and writing two sets of Valentine’s), and continuing to invite her in our celebrations and milestones is so important and meaningful. Thank you again to everyone who helps us do this and remembers her with us on special days.

Jeff has written a blog about this, but in this regard, the Superhero Center and our family there have been so incredible and healing for us. (Even as I write this, I realize there’s so much more that I may someday be able to express in a letter or acknowledge more what it has meant to us.) You never fail to include and celebrate Audrey- and us. You decorate her picture for each holiday and celebration, you reach out to us to see how we’re doing, you remember and love and acknowledge her often. You’ve chosen to enter in to the spaces of our grief, loss, and the mess that comes with it, and somehow I don’t feel judged or different (as the mom who lost her superhero), just included. Again, your friendship to us is invaluable. Even though Jeff shared the pictures, the way that Audrey was present in Hannah’s joy at her Valentine’s dance was beautiful.







We love you Audrey and are so thankful for when we can see and remember your light and joy!

So, this is six months in. It’s messy and sad and also joyful at times...struggling to find new footing in the midst of grief's depression.




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