Wonderfully made

Tomorrow marks Hannah's last first day of elementary school.  I know every single first day of school will be hard knowing that it should also be Audrey's first day of school.

Tomorrow would have been the only first day that both girls were in elementary school together.

In Spring of 2023, we registered Audrey for Kindergarten.  We met her teacher. We saw the classroom that Audrey would be in for Kindergarten and First Grade.  

Last summer, we made the decision to keep Audrey in ABA therapy through Kindergarten.  One more year of ABA meant that Audrey would enter the public school tomorrow, for first grade.  Its not a hypothetical like all future years.  In 12 years, it will be hard knowing that her peers are graduating from high school.  But that is so abstract.  Audrey actually met the teacher who was to be her K/1 teacher,  Audrey stepped foot in her classroom, Audrey ate a snack in her classroom, Audrey gave her future teacher a hug.  

As I am writing this, I feel guilty that any of this takes away from Hannah's first day of school.  I know there will need to be a balance.  But when things are so tangible, I want to be so intentional of remembering these things.   Tomorrow is Hannah's day, but there is so much that Audrey can't have because she is not here.

Last year, I took off 10 days before I went back to work.  The day I went to work was Hannah's first day of school.  We posted Hannah's first day picture on social media along side Audrey's first day picture from 2022.  But it wasn't Audrey's first day of school picture because technically she was in school all summer as her therapy was all summer long.

Audrey will never have that first grade picture.  And that makes me angry.  I also feel guilty.

Audrey's elementary school legacy seemed to be the phone calls and emails that kept coming to me about  her transportation.  Last September 1st when I went back to school, it seemed like I got an email or phone call every day for 2 weeks regarding Audrey's transportation.  It was frustrating, because I kept calling, leaving messages and emailing the contacts that the messages told me to contact, but I still got robo-calls reminding me to finalize her transportation.

I don't remember much about my preschool experience.  I know I went to St. Andrew's in Carol Stream IL.  I remember the name of one of my classmates who would eventually become an elementary school classmate.  I was non remarkable in preschool.  The most remarkable thing that I remember about my preschool experience is that the building burned down due to an oily rag during the summer before my kindergarten.

I was comforted by seeing Audrey's true legacy.   

On August 10th, we had planned a small service with our pastor and our family to celebrate Audrey's legacy on such a terrible anniversary.

As we got to the cemetery we were surprised that three of Audrey's therapists were at Audrey's
graveside paying their respects.  We didn't invite them.  We didn't remind anybody that it had been one year.  They came because it had been one year since they had been without a very important person in their lives.

They stayed for the ceremony and shared their favorite memories of Audrey.  One of her therapists even brought flowers.  They matched the sunflower motif that Mandy picked out for the graveside.

Over the last year, friends and family have reached out for us.  To help Hannah, Mandy and with our grief.  We are grateful for that.  It has come in phone calls, texts, hangouts, etc.  It has been on meaningful anniversary dates: the anniversary of Audrey going to the hospital, the anniversary of her passing, the anniversary of her celebration of life.  We are grateful for that, because we know that people are thinking of Audrey.  But really that is for us.

Her therapists came for her.  Some of the same therapists were there 3 days later, when Audrey's ABA center had planned a memorial for her.  We were invited, and enjoyed dancing to princess songs with Audrey's favorite people and releasing toy butterflies.  We were happy to be invited and to be there, but it was also for her ABA family.

When I struggle with the "what could have been" tomorrow on the first day of school, I will try and remember how much there was.  Audrey didn't just touch Mandy, Hannah, and I.  She touched more than our families.  

This past Sunday, our church did a back to school blessing.  All students and school personnel received a key chain with Psalm 139:14 on it.  "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."  It was tough going up to receive this blessing because I knew Audrey would not be going to school tomorrow.  I read the caption underneath it. "No matter where you find yourself, what has happened or what anyone says YOU ARE Wonderfully made!"

I've felt a lot this past year.  I haven't felt wonderful much.  It was hard to read that, because there are times that I don't feel wonderful let alone wonderfully made.  So, I read the scripture again and looked at.   Psalm 139:14 is interpreted as that God created us each individually and has made everybody with a purpose.  God created everybody special with a unique purpose.  

The more I read it, I was thinking about the special things that Audrey has that connected so many people in a way that seems pretty amazing for a 5 year old.  While the first day of school will be difficult every year, it means something that Audrey has a legacy of being wonderfully made.