We don't talk about Bruno, but we do talk about Dree

 


We don't talk about Bruno- But we do talk about Audrey


“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” —Proverbs 17:17


It's not hard to see what Audrey's most recent favorite Disney movie is.
Audrey cuddling her Mirabel doll that some good family friends gifted Audrey for for her 5th birthday.

The family Madrigal (Cismesia)

If one has girls from the age range of 5-8 years old, its a safe bet that one has seen Encanto at least a couple of times.

Audrey would sing "No, No, No" when the song Bruno was played. Because everyone knows we don't talk about Bruno. But that's not exactly true in our family.


Bruno, a Cavapoo puppy joined our family on Christmas Eve.  He is cute, cuddly, and well behaved, but I will talk more about him and dogs in later posts.  Also, I will talk about how much Audrey would have loved him, and her journey with pets later.


Back to we don't talk about Bruno.  I get it.  I drove from Rockford to Orlando in March of 2022, I heard the entire movie replayed at least 10 times during the 40 hour round trip drive.  But in the 4 months of grieving, I have learned it is good to talk about Audrey.  In fact, I have caught myself talking about her a lot, I feel more than some people may be comfortable with.  While some things like hearing songs or other triggers may cause a tear or sadness.  I ALWAYS love it when friends, family, and colleagues ask about or bring up an Audrey memory.


Like anything new in my life, I have learned a lot about stuff that I never imagined I would know.  In 2019, I became knowledgeable on infantile spasms and epilepsy.  In 2022, I learned more about autism than I had by teaching for 17 years combined with 2 graduate level special education certifications.  And in 2023, I "joined the club" again and gained knowledge on grief.  I hesitate to say that I am an expert in any of these areas, because there is a level of guilt that I am dealing with that I didn't do enough.  I tend to think I am not really an expert on anything, but these three things definitely take up much capacity in my brain.  But I definitely occupied knowledge on these areas that I was blissfully unaware of before my "joining the club."

"Joining the club" is vernacular that we (Mandy, Hannah and I) learned when Mandy and I attended a bereaved parents retreat in October.  We were unsure if it was enough time or if we were ready to go, however, we took it as a sign that the church that hosted the weekend conference was 2.0 miles away from my sister's house door to door.  So, we drove to suburban Indianapolis, and learned a lot and grew in fellowship with other "club" members.

We learned a lot that weekend in fellowship, breakouts, and large group sessions.  We learned from parents who came before us, and parents who were similar in circumstances.  We learned that it wasn't uncommon for bereaved parents to have friends, family and community who aren't able to know what they need.  Our family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, and faith community all reached out during our time.

Our family and friends were so generous during the hospital stay, during preparations for the celebration of life and were always available for a phone call or other form of support.  I have said this  The many text messages and phone calls were helpful for me.  I really appreciated pictures of Audrey from family. I love hearing about Dree.  I think some well intentioned friends don't know what to do.  What I took from this conference was that I anytime I was with friends and family, I wanted to hear about Audrey.

Thanksgiving was the first family holiday that we would have to navigate.
  As a family, we prayed on it and decided to keep the planned trip to New York City over the Thanksgiving holiday.   We took my sister with us.  We were intentional on bringing Audrey with us.  We decided to bring a pair of boots with us and leave them with a nice message and two of Audrey's memorial stones that we had made for her celebration of life.  The message instructed whoever found the boots to pass them along to someone who could use a gently used pair of child size 1 boots.  But why leave footwear to celebrate our daughter?

Audrey had a habit of "losing" her footwear on trips.  Lets be honest, she didn't like covering her feet ever, as Rapunzel was her role model.  She really had a track record of trying to make her shoes as hard to recover as possible.  One example was when my sister needed to get special dispensation from the ranger of Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore to go off the path to retrieve her sandal that she intentionally kicked off into a ravine.  Before that, she had taken her right sandal and thrown it in the air as I was squeezing her tight from the seat behind her on Space Mountain.  I know, Dad of the Year wasn't in my sights after taking my 3 year old on Space Mountain.  But I did catch her sandal with my right hand while holding on tightly to her with my left.  I have always been too frugal to pay for Disney Photo Pass, but I would have easily dropped 185 dollars if that catch was caught on camera.  Those are just two (coincidentally Audrey's favorite number) examples of a myriad of times that Audrey tried to leave her shoes behind.



My sister got her Jr. Ranger badge for getting Audrey's sandal from the ravine at Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in Michigan's Upper Peninsula.


So, we did it.  We went to NYC.  We made it to NYC 28 hours before our luggage did, but we pulled it off.  We went to the top of the Empire State Building, saw the statue of liberty, saw a Broadway play with backstage tour, and got front row seats to the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade.   It was a whirlwind.  After our Thanksgiving Day meal, Mandy and I shared some reflection time for Audrey.  We also lit a candle for Audrey at Trinity Church in Manhattan. 



On the last day, we visited Central Park.  We entered from the Southwest of Central Park by the Plaza hotel.  We climbed some rocks, walked some trails, and then we passed some volleyball courts West of the Mall and found a nice forested area (red circled area below).


We found a leaf covered section of the park that we knew Audrey would love rolling around in.  I hope somebody was able to benefit from Audrey's boots.


When we returned home after our whirlwind trip, we had two small thanksgiving dinners with our families.  They were nice, but during it, I missed Dree.  And afterwards, I caught up with Mandy and she felt the same.  It was then that we decided that for Christmas, we would have our friends, family and us intentionally find ways to feel Dree's spirit at Christmas time.


We referenced the "How to Help a Grieving Parent During the Holidays" and other ways that other "members" of the club involved their children at Christmas and all year round.  We talked with family and friends and Dree was included.  We received ornaments, mementos, and Dree was specifically at Christmas in a few other ways: family members filled her stocking with good deeds done in Audrey's spirit since she couldn't receive  physical presents this year.  Also, family decorated Dree's chair for Christmas.

And then.... Christmas was over.  364 more days till the next.  And during every one of those days, I am grateful for generosity and grace of family, friends, community, and co workers.  But even more, I want to talk about Dree, and I would love for you to talk to me about all the wonderful ways that she may have touched your life.  Sometimes, music is just easier to articulate some things.  So in my imagination, Eminem has been enlisted to get my point across. 

"Nowadays, everybody wanna talk like they got something to say
But nothing comes out when they move their lips
Just a bunch of gibberish
And (Bleep) act like they forgot about Dree"
-Edited from Dr. Dre featuring Eminem

I wrote most of this post about a week shy of five months since losing my Dree Dree.  I don't have all the answers, and when I do have more, it won't apply to everyone in similar or not so similar situations.  Maybe things will change,


Do you remember that super cute photo of Audrey from the beginning of this post?  That Mirabel doll helped comfort Audrey from her surgery in July.  That was Audrey's favorite during the last three months.  She was buried with Mirabel.

Yesterday, the same friends who gifted Audrey the Mirabel doll gave us a Christmas present.  It was such a sweet gift, a Mirabel Funko Pop.  Mirabel now sits on Dree's head board.  She may not talk about Bruno, but she is a connection and way for us to talk about Dree.


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