Back to School

 

I started writing this the day before I was to return to school a week from Sunday, but never finished it because I was preparing after not doing too much school work over break.

I didn't think I was going to post this because I was too busy.  Then the snow came.  Then the wind.  Then the cold.  Over the last week, I have had 3 winter school days cancelled.  So last week, was the soft opening that businesses do before the big to do of the grand opening.  Next week is the grand opening of my second semester of school and my second semester of grieving. 

Five months ago, I would not have compared grieving to an educational unit of time.  But I have learned, through classes, counseling, and reading that it is.  My first semester, I earned an incomplete.

As I was going back to school last week, and as I only had 3 days of school last week, I am getting ready to really jump in to the second semester of my 19th year in education.  I was asked last week how my work is going.  I get asked that a lot.  They ask if work is going good.  I answer yes and move on.

And work is going good.  I have great colleagues that have supported us.  My students are doing well.  But one time I was asked this question, I was a bit more insightful.  I answered that I probably wasn't involved as I was before.  And obviously, that's true for good reason.  But the more I thought about it, I am involved in different ways. 

Over the last semester, I have definitely seen situations that students go through differently.  One way that educators help students with Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are by identifying them and then focusing on  ways to be whole.  I may not be the best pedagogically that I ever have been, but I can say that now that I have had some Adverse Adult Experiences, I am much more empathetic and have been able to work with some student situations with a different level of proficiency. 

To be able to support a family as an educator, it is necessary to keep moving up the salary schedule by becoming more educated.  After graduating with a degree in history and teaching, I have went back to school to get a second endorsement, my master's degree, my special education certification, and my certification to be a special education director.  Interspersed in there are other classes that have been taken to improve my practice.  Cynically, I took those classes to move up the salary schedule to support my growing family. 

But there is something to say for experience.  Illinois State University is known for it's education as it was once Illinois State Normal University which had the sole intent of preparing teachers for the Land of Lincoln. ISU's motto is "Gladly we learn and teach.  But, when I got to my student teaching, I realized I knew nothing. I did the reverse. I taught, and THEN I learned from my experiences. I didn't learn and then teach. 

 

But the greatest lessons I have learned were after hardship.  If I had taken the ACES survey as a child, I would have zero ACES.  As an adult, I have faced much more adversity.  The most adverse adult experience I had was when Audrey was diagnosed with a severe form of childhood epilepsy at age one.  I learned so much in a few months.  I was SO ignorant just a few months before.  I thought I knew.  I was in the middle of taking courses to gain my Special Education Director endorsement.  I was doing case studies on students with tuberous sclerosis, autism, and epilepsy.  Little did I know, my own daughter would be diagnosed with epilepsy in a month and autism a year later.  Again, I was ignorant.  And when Audrey was diagnosed with epilepsy, I learned so much.  I learned that I wasn't nearly as empathetic as I thought.  When Audrey got sick, my friends and family rallied.  I couldn't think of a time that I was as empathic as my friends were when my baby, family and I were in need.  Sadly, over time, some of that empathy wore off, as some knowledge may have too.

And then, just like how grief can get you when you are not expecting, so did life.  Audrey passed away, and I saw how ignorant I was.  My friends and family were there again, and supported us and I again felt not worthy as I felt I haven't showed up like this.

Just like when I had to teach to learn, I learned more than I did before.  I had to experience grief before I learned.  But grief has a whole different language than anything else.  Hannah taught me this.  Through the group she attended, she showed a proficiency in processing through her grief by the way she used the vocabulary she learned.  And she now speaks her new foreign language of grief with some proficiency.  Learning that grief has its own language is similar to how I learned that the ISU motto I previously referred to had origins in Old English.

The last five months have been similar to my last five years.  I know more now.  But it isn't any easier.  The more that I know it is harder.  With buying a plot, planning a celebration of life, and other tasks, we had no time to know any better.   I went back to work three weeks after Dree passed.   Christmas break was difficult.  I had time to process, and realized that just going back to work and trying to get back to life meant that I was succeeding.  I now know more.  I'm not there yet, but I am grieving, so I learn.

So, as I am one day (as long as there are no more snow days) away from returning to my second semester of my school year and my second semester of grieving, I am still unprepared.  I have a lot more education, and more experience, but I still have much to learn.  Here we go back to school.