May 14 memories- Brain Freeze

 

Today was my birthday.  I didn't know what to think about it.  It was probably the best it could have been.  My parents picked up Hannah and made taco Tuesday for dinner  We went to Hannah's soccer game.  She played goalie in the 2nd half.  She showed a lot of growth and made some good saves for her first time playing goalie.  When we got home for desert, 2 things stuck out at me.  There was 2 pies with candles that spelled out "Yay" and a gift bag with "yay" on it.  "Yay" was Audrey's exclamation for when she got somewhere she was excited about.  

Hearing "Yay" in my head always makes me think of Audrey.  But this memory was a little deeper.  Hannah was eating a home made Choco Taco that my mom and sister made.  She got brain freeze from it, and had to drink some hot chocolate to erase it.

It reminded me of Audrey.  Audrey loved cold deserts like ice cream, McFlurries, and Slurpees. But she didn't seem to connect eating her cold treats fast with brain freeze.  She was cute when she got brain freeze. This time that Hannah got brain freeze reminded us of Audrey's brain freeze on June 23,2023.

June 23,2023-
We were driving back home from our South Dakota Trip and we came up on the town of Chamberlain, SD.  There is a real nice rest stop South of Chamberlain on the Eastern Bluff of the Missouri River. We had driven for about 3 hours past the Badlands and were looking for a place to stop.  We got some ice cream at the McDonalds in town and went to the rest stop.  Audrey got out and went and laid on the grass while she was eating her McFlurry.  She was so happy.  She had so much fun on the trip, and her smile showed how much she was enjoying being with her family, laying on grass and eating ice cream. She was in her element. I remember her saying "CREAM," which was her adorable approximation of ice cream. Audrey was eating her ice cream so fast that she got brain freeze twice.  It was even cute that she didn't put together her cold treat and brain freeze.  She kept going back to the "CREAM" even though the brain freeze was coming.

When I had first thought of what my birthday would be like, I didn't know.  I thought that I would think of a memory of  Audrey blowing out my candles.  I thought about that a little.

I don't know what each day will bring.  Over the last 9 months, we have tried to prepare ourselves for dates that could bring up memories (good and bad), but the truth is, just like Audrey's brain freeze, I don't see it coming.  The connections that we have with Audrey are welcomed, but sometimes, its a rough memory.  And I don't always see it coming.  

That brings us to THE big one.  Audrey's birthday.  We have and are still planning.  It should not be a surprise.  While there is a lot of planning that is going into it, I can tell you, I will be eating "CREAM" on Audrey's birthday, knowing the brain freeze will come.  Because as freezing as some of those memories are, I crave to remember those times that Audrey was truly happy and in her element.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The last first? Sometimes the second is harder than the first.

Image
I started writing this post on Monday July 15th after experiencing many firsts and seconds on as we approach the anniversary of Audrey leaving for heaven.   This post took me over three weeks to write.  I had to think about why it took so long and the truth is, I am not on the same calendar that I used to be. I knew the fourth of July was going to be hard.  Audrey loved the fourth.  On social media, Mandy posted pictures of Audrey enjoying all of her summer favorites.  From June 26th to July 4th, Mandy posted a different picture of Audrey's summer favorites.  Starting on July 1st, she posted a daily picture of Audrey loving the fourth of July. Those pictures meant a lot and meant a lot to see Audrey's loved ones interact and share summer memories.  When Mandy took Hannah to the bathroom, I looked to my phone to look at pictures of Audrey.  I was surprised when I found this picture. This picture made me smile for many reasons 1. It encapsulate...
Read more

It Doesn’t Get Any Easier (Amanda's)

Image
  When we first lost Audrey, people often said, or we read in grief books, how in child loss it doesn’t get any easier. There was always some variation of:  It’s hard to know what “it doesn’t really ever get any easier” means when you’re first in the throws of it though, and the shock is so intense. I’ve also come to understand that for me, personally, the shock has been profound and longer lasting than for some others. 15 months in, it’s still really hard for me to grasp most days that Audrey is gone, and that it’s permanent. But it truly isn’t any easier than it was in those first weeks. Which is really hard to fathom if you think about it- How can our world still be as rocked and shaken as it was then, how can this still be as painful and sad and traumatic as then?- Yet it still is. The sadness seems only to grow deeper and the fullness of missing all of who Audrey is continues to grow in our lives. Our family wasn’t complete before she came into our lives, and now we a...
Read more

(Amanda's) Disorganized Thoughts- Approaching One Year

Image
I can’t believe it’s almost been a year without Audrey. I’ve tried several times in the past year to write, but I can never quite put my thoughts together into anything coherent to share. Many of you that are closest to me have listened to me attempt to share about grief in the past year- I appreciate your patience and understanding as I ramble on, sometimes with emotion and sometimes without, tend to ruminate over the same thoughts again and again, and try to capture the ways that I am missing Audrey, which are so hard to convey into words. I find the sadness becoming heavier again as the anniversary approaches. I try to focus on what my faith says is true about where Audrey is now and about how God loves and holds her, but the sadness and trauma of the events replay often. The natural rhythms of events that recur annually feel like counting down this year, reliving and replaying our ‘last’ of whichever special time it was with Audrey, leading up to August 7 th -10 th , and what...
Read more